Have you ever struggled to find the perfect gift/card/thing to say, and when you couldn’t come up with something absolutelytotallyperfect, you ended up doing nothing?
The more I talk to people, the more I realize how rampant perfectionism really is (and here I thought it was just me and my craziness), and how often it keeps us disconnected, trapped in our own little bubbles.
I spoke to a close friend who told me that when he gets an email, and it feels like the person is needing a really attentive response, he freezes up, afraid that he’s going to say the “wrong” thing. And so he doesn’t respond at all, or he says something stilted that comes off as flippant and aloof.
I’ve been on the receiving end of that exchange more than a few times, and it was shocking to learn that the seemingly disinterested responses I was receiving (or not receiving!) was a result of him caring a great deal. His actions were communicating the complete opposite.
And I’ve been guilty more times than I can count of wanting to send the perfect gift, the gift that proves how much I care about the recipient and how I know them so much better than anyone else, and when every single potential gift falls short of those standards, I panic and send a last-minute crap card from Walgreens. Happy birthday!
As an outsider looking in on this behavior, it’s easy to think, “Oh, come on. It doesn’t have to be perfect, and clearly doing something is better than nothing at all!”
But when you’re hooked in a perfectionism loop, it’s easy to get stuck. Really stuck.
Often, when you’re in the throes of perfectionism, you’re not even aware that it’s driving your behavior. Instead, you procrastinate. And procrastinate. And procrastinate some more.
Or you feel lethargic and bored with the task at hand. Or you feel anxious and on the verge of tears for no apparent reason. All of these feelings can be a sign that perfectionism has you in its grip, and it’s sucking the life out of you. Perfectionism has you convinced that it’s better to do nothing at all than to risk failure, and “failure” is defined as anything short of absolute perfection.
There’s a core thought process going on when I’m in this perfection-y head space, and that is, not only is perfection actually possible (if I just try really, really hard), it’s unquestionably worth achieving.
It feels scary to accept that perfection truly is out of my grasp and that I wouldn’t be better off even if I could achieve it. This passage from the Haruki Murakami novel, 1Q84, made my jaw drop (emphasis mine):
Where there is light, there must be shadow, and where there is shadow there must be light….Karl Jung said this about ‘the Shadow’ in one of his books: ‘It is as evil as we are positive…the more desperately we try to be good and wonderful and perfect, the more the Shadow develops a definite will to be black and evil and destructive…That fact is that if one tries beyond one’s capacity to be perfect, the Shadow descends to hell and becomes the devil. For it is just as sinful from the standpoint of nature and of truth to be above oneself as it is to be below oneself.
I had ample evidence of this dynamic playing out in my life, as the more I strove for perfection the more miserable and isolated I became (and the more judgmental of myself and others, too). But I remained convinced that Perfectionism wasn’t to blame–I was, because I was failing to be perfect. I continued treating Perfectionism as my friend who was a bit harsh, yes, but it was only because he wanted me to succeed, to be the best. And I assumed he had my back.
How wrong I was.
Perfectionism doesn’t have my back.
Perfectionism doesn’t give a crap whether I’m happy or miserable; he just wants perfection.
He doesn’t care if I follow my Soul’s Calling or I trade away my life at a soul-sucking job–provided I do it perfectly.
He doesn’t care if I have satisfying relationships–or any relationships at all, really–as long as I conduct myself perfectly in all of my interactions.
In short, Perfectionism is a total dick.
Normally, my policy is don’t hang out with total dicks. It’s time to stop making exceptions when it comes to Perfectionism. No more answering his calls. No more “okay…we can hang out, just this once.”
And I’m not going to procrastinate, searching for the perfect way to break up with him.
Perfectionism, we’re done. I’m blocking your number and changing the locks.
See ya…wouldn’t wanna be ya.
Ahh, I feel better already.