I recently read an excellent book by Tara Mohr called Playing Big. It contains so much that I’d love to write about, but in lieu of copying and pasting the entire book, here’s one thing in particular that really grabbed my attention.
In a chapter outlining subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways that we keep ourselves playing small by hiding, the self-limiting strategy that resonated with me the most was what Mohr calls “this before that.”
A Sneaky Self-Limiting Strategy
Tell me if this sounds familiar: We come up with ways we want to expand–perhaps it’s following a passion to teach or make art or travel. And then we come up with all of these things that we “have” to do first, like take another class, read ten books, intern here–whatever.
Of course, before you perform brain surgery you probably want to make a pit stop at med school, so we’re not talking about necessary preparation or mindful sequencing, here. No, this is the fear-based invention of a series of steps that we feel must be completed before we venture outside of our comfort zone. And chances are, more steps keep getting added along the way, postponing our leap into playing big further and further into the future.
Yep, I’ve totally been guilty of that.
In fact, one area in which I’m doing that right now is with a group I started this year. Since its inception I’ve received massive clarity on what it is I really want to do, and that doesn’t involve staying with this group, unfortunately.
My ego stepped in and came up with reasons why I can’t leave: “You started the group! What will it look like if you leave?!” and a million other variations on the theme, “Shame on you!”
I was telling myself that I would stick with the situation for as long as it remained a learning opportunity and then I could leave. A new friend helpfully pointed out that I already had learned something from this situation in the form of seeing what it is I really want to do. But…but…wouldn’t it be better if I set up an endless list of things that I have to do first before I’m “allowed” to leave (aka, before having this conversation that I’m really anxious about having)?
If numerous recent experiences are any indication, the answer to that fearful question is an emphatic, “No!”
The more I make space by clearing out the things in my life that no longer serve, even if (or I would say, especially if) I don’t know whether anything better will come to take their place, the more I am being shown that this is a prerequisite to manifesting the life I want. It’s one thing to read about it in a book (“Make space in your life for joy, and it will come!” Um, are you sure…?) and it’s another thing entirely to witness that play out in my life again and again.
So I am making a conscious choice to ditch the hiding strategy of “this then that” and combine this with the insight of making space in my life for what I want. I don’t need to wait for tasks #1-55 to be completed before I leave the group, and I will trust that doing so is an act of creating room for joy to take up residence.
Your turn.
- Can you relate to the hiding strategy of “this then that”?
- Is there an area of your life where you’re using that strategy to stay small right now?
- Which unnecessary steps can you cross off your list so you can move forward in a big way?
