Do you ever find yourself arguing with somebody in your head?
For months, I’d notice myself arguing round and round in circles with a family member, whom I’ll call Aven. Some nights, lying in the dark, trying to fall asleep, the mental jousting was so intense, my heart would be straight up pounding.
WTF.
What’s weird is that I barely have contact with Aven–I see them maybe once every five years, if that, and we exchange brief texts on our birthdays. That’s it.
So what could possibly have me this twisted up?
After feeling riled up and worn down by Mental Cage Match #57, I decided to explore whatever within me was clearly trying to get my attention. And through journaling, therapy, meditation, and working with my dreams, here’s what I unearthed…
The last in-person exchange I’d had with Aven, they lectured me on my lack of connection with the family. There were a lot of “you shoulds” driving home the point that I wasn’t doing enough.
Even though I have made conscious, deliberate choices around how much contact I have with my family, and I experience on a daily basis how beneficial those choices are to my wellbeing, I still found myself mentally arguing with Aven, defending my decisions.
But why just Aven?
They certainly weren’t the only person who’d commented on my lack of family participation, and the vast majority of those opinions make very little impression at this point.
Why was I mentally fixated on proving I was right to Aven?
Well, I started journaling all of the things I was judging Aven for, leaving no judgy stone unturned.
And when I was done, I saw that the entire entry centered around Aven presenting this world-weary martyred image. They were efficiently taking care of everyone, they were competent and in charge, stepping up and “doing their duty”–they were a good person, goddammit.
Now, I don’t know if this is actually how Aven feels about themselves, and that’s not the point.
This journaling session was about getting at my projections, the elements in my own psyche that were keeping me tethered to Aven, looping through those go-nowhere arguments in my head.
Continuing to tug at this thread, I realized that I associate this martyr energy with the right, in my family, to think you’re better than others, the right to tell them what to do because you’ve “earned it.”
You’ve played by the rules, you’ve done a bunch of shit you didn’t actually want to do…
…you’ve sacrificed your own needs and desires, and the reward is you get to self-righteously boss people around to make sure that they, too, follow the rules.
And this isn’t because you simply like being a jerk. It’s because if other people aren’t following the rules, that’s a painful reminder that you don’t have to either. That you’ve been sacrificing yourself all this time, perhaps for nothing.
Guess what?
I could totally relate to that. For years, that was precisely the identity that kept me tethered to my wounded family system.
I had to check all the boxes, play my role, follow the rules, and then I could see myself as a good/competent/responsible/caring person (who had the right to disapprove of others who weren’t playing by the family rules).
I would be safe. Whew.
This is why I was so irked by Aven, long after the interaction, and why I wasn’t able to process how I felt and move on.
Aven was pushing an invisible button in my psyche, a button that said, “If you don’t follow the rules, you’re not allowed to see yourself as a good person. If you don’t follow the rules, other people are allowed to boss you around and shame you, and you deserve it.”
And so, that annoying-ass interaction was actually a gift. It allowed me to see that I still needed to work with those rule-carrying inner parts. They needed more of my love, approval, and support.
I didn’t need to “win” an imaginary argument with Aven…
…finally proving, once and for all, that I was making the right decision. I needed to love myself, even though I wasn’t following the family rules.
And from that place, I was surprised by an upwelling of genuine compassion for Aven, because I knew in my bones how strong our shared family pressure is to conform. How scary it can be to step out of the safety of “being good” and risk becoming the villain in someone else’s story.
It would have been more comfortable to chalk up my anxious mental chatter to a natural byproduct of the situation. I could have assumed (and have, many, many times before) that the only reason I was replaying shit in my head was because Aven had done something hurtful.
But I have found that the circular, inflaming thoughts and emotions–those are most apt to arise (and stick around) when something within me, something I don’t want to own, has been activated.
Even when I have been hurt by someone, if I allow myself to feel whatever arises, and I identify what I need moving forward, those feelings tend to fade, I’m less likely to loop through the scenario in my mind, and I’m more apt to take constructive action.
But if I’m ignoring parts within myself that feel scared, or ashamed, or angry, or [fill in the blank] because of the situation, that’s when the mental replays keep me stuck, and I have to prove that I’m “right” and “good.”
It keeps me tethered to a one-dimensional concept of being a good person that’s based solely on what other people think, on rules that no longer apply to my life, on a wounded system I don’t actually want to participate in.
Instead of clarifying what my values are…
…and exploring what it means to live in alignment with them, cultivating a deeply personal sense of integrity, I’m psychologically phoning it in, ticking boxes to “be good.”
But the more I welcome home the rejected aspects within myself–the very aspects this “annoying” person is mirroring back to me–the less their potential rejection matters, because I’m already home.
Today, on the Full Moon in Taurus, what do you value?
What’s important to you, even if other people don’t understand or agree?
Can you spot an area of your life where you’re sacrificing those values to “keep the peace” or ensure other people like you?
Starting today, what’s one thing you can do to honor your values? Bonus points if you can be super gentle and supportive with yourself, no matter how other people respond.
Happy Full Moon.
