I was experimenting with weird breathing the other night. It was part of an assignment for an apprenticeship I’m doing, and it’s an exercise my teacher calls the “little death” breath, in which you breathe in for a count of seven, hold the breath in for seven counts, breathe out for a count of seven, and hold the breath out for seven counts.
This exercise is a form of pranayama, A Sanskrit word that is commonly translated as either “breathe extension” or “breath control.” If you’ve ever consciously slowed your breathing down after, say, running to catch the ice cream truck before it disappears, taking your hopes of OREO ice cream sandwiches with it, then you’ve dabbled in pranayama.
While doing the little death breath, I noticed that two parts of this exercise were particularly difficult for me: taking the breath in and holding it out.
Take the breath test
Give it a try yourself, and see if one part of the exercise is trickier for you than others. If you’re totally new to pranayama, you can start by using a three-count breath. Breathe in for three counts, hold that breath in for a count of three, breathe out for three counts, and hold that breath out for a count of three.
What did you notice? Did you take in a lot of air on the in breath, or did you find yourself with not enough as you were trying to hold your breath? Did you feel the breath expanding your belly, or was it mainly up in your chest? Was it hard to hold your breath out before taking in more air?
While exploring my experience, I made a connection between parts of this exercise and habits I carry around in the rest of my life. I encourage you to come up with your own associations, but here are some of my thoughts to get you started.
If breathing in is difficult
Taking in air is how we sustain ourselves. No air, no life. If this part is hard for you, look at your self-care practices.
Do you deny yourself basic pleasures and comforts, perhaps only attending to your own needs after you’ve taken care of everyone else?
Do you feel selfish or guilty when you are taking care of yourself?
Do you feel uncomfortable in your own body at times–do you feel that you have a right to be here, to take up space, to take in air?
How do you respond when people pay you compliments, give you gifts, or offer support? This question was a big eye-opener for me, and it brought to mind this passage from Animal-Speak by Ted Andrews:
If we don’t receive the little things–the compliments, the assistance, etc.–the universe does not send us the big things. It is the receiving of the little things that starts the magnetic pull which brings the bigger things into your life…Try not to feel guilty, and don’t try to figure out how you can pay it back. Just receive the gifts, joyfully and freely. You will have more than enough times to give back in more appropriate and opportune ways later.
Use the in breath as a way of opening yourself up more fully to the gifts life has to offer. Give a heartfelt “thanks” when someone gives you a compliment (not a “Whatever, I’m such a mess this morning!”); allow yourself to experience pleasure at least once today; and if you need help, ask for it.
If holding the breath in is difficult
Our ability to manifest what we want in life depends not only on being able to allow energy to flow into us, we also need to be able to hold it within us for a period of time.
Think of the witch’s cauldron: This is often used as a vessel to contain anything from physical potions to energy. If you try to make a potion by tossing all of the ingredients on a table…well, have fun cleaning up the mess. You need a vessel, something to contain all of those magickal herbs and energy.
In her book, Wheels of Life: A Journey Through the Chakras, Anodea Judith explains that when we lose our ability to contain, to have, or to hold, “natural excitement, or charge, become dissipated, diluted, and ineffectual. In this state, we feel powerless…”
If you find yourself excited about an idea, but the motivation inevitably fades away before you can take action, you might have difficulty containing things.
Use holding the in breath to explore this further, watching any thoughts and sensations that arise while you’re in this state of containment.
If you make money this week, hold onto it for a period of time, even if it’s just a few days, before you spend it on anything. See what that feels like.
If you have an experience that really sticks out, whether it’s a vivid dream or an awesome, unexpected exchange with the clerk at the grocery store, contain that experience for a few days before you tell anyone about it, before you post it on Facebook. Just see what it feels like to hold that experience within yourself.
If breathing out is difficult
Releasing the breath is analogous to letting go of whatever it is we no longer need in this moment. I’ve written before about one of my own letting-go rituals. Letting go can be very difficult, whether we’re letting go of a relationship or an old couch.
When we let go, we bring into focus our feelings around abundance and lack, revealing some of our basic assumptions about the world.
Yoga teacher and Ayurveda practitioner Katie Silcox says in her book Healthy Happy Sexy: Ayurveda Wisdom for Modern Women:
Whenever I find myself clinging to pleasures, I will stop and say something like, ‘Oh, Divine Mama, let me trust in your infinite abundant sources. May I know that this pleasure may rise and fall, but that you are continually dropping your grace into my life.’ When we cling, it is as though we are saying that we don’t believe in all that the Universe offers; it is as if we are saying that we don’t have faith that pleasure (or whatever it is we want to cling to) is abundant and always waiting for us.
The irony of all this life hoarding brings us back to the in breath: We can’t accept all that life has to offer when our arms are already full of stuff.
We must let go in order to receive.
If you’re hanging onto something past its prime, this is like finding a crusty, moldy sandwich hiding under your bed, and taking this to a sumptuous buffet. You’re so busy fussing over your Moldwich that you can’t see the piles of amazing food, just waiting for you to sidle up and sample them.
Or perhaps you do see the buffet, but you’re saying, “Nah, I’m good. I’ve got this moldy old sandwich, thanks.” Are you sure? I mean, there’s, like, chocolate cake and bubbly garlic bread with cheese over here…
And if you’re like me and you like to anthropomorphize everything, can’t you hear the poor little sandwich saying, “Please help–someone, anyone! I’ve been trying to be here for her, but really, I’m just exhausted. It’s time for me to move on to the Sandwich Summerlands where I can reunite with my sandwich family.” Holding onto stuff we no longer need isn’t good for us, and it isn’t good for our stuff. Let it go!
If holding the breath out is difficult
This is one of the trickiest parts for me. In this space of sitting with emptied lungs, a panic stirs, deep within me. If I listen to it, I can hear it say, “Uh oh. There isn’t enough. Now that we’ve lost it, it ain’t comin’ back.”
In our modern world, those of us with the means to do so rarely let ourselves experience emptiness, not even for a moment. If we’re waiting in line, rather than experience an empty mind, we whip out our phones. If we’re in the car, we crank up the music. If we’re at home, we keep busy or we turn on the television…while posting about it on Facebook.
I’ve written before about the gap that exists between one thing and the next (When Waiting is Making You Crazy) and how it’s a really juicy place where you can uncover your inner secrets and open up to gifts and opportunities that are right under your nose, trying to get your attention. But when the sensation of emptiness, however temporary, makes us uncomfortable, we miss out as we rush onto the next thing.
Today, pay attention to little pockets of emptiness as the present themselves to you, and watch how you react. Do you reach for your phone? Do you say something to fill the silence? Do you fidget?
Try to rest in that gap, even if it’s just for ten seconds, and see what comes up.
If it’s uncomfortable, adopt a curious attitude and ask yourself why. Do you feel bored? Lonely? Insecure?
And then…just let yourself feel that way for a few minutes. Sometimes, all of the mental gymnastics we do to avoid feeling what we’re feeling are more painful and stressful than the feelings themselves.
And when you’re done for today exploring the magical decoder ring that is your breath, thank it for teaching you. And breathe in…and breathe out.
