I’ve written about the importance of owning and expressing one’s needs time and again on the blog because, to be honest, I’m a little obsessed. Clearly this is one of the lessons my soul came here to learn, because I never seem to tire of thinking about how our relationship to our needs ends up defining so much of our life.
A couple of recent encounters have led me to look at this whole needs thing from yet another angle. Specifically, I’ve become hyper aware of repetitive stories that either I find myself telling or that I hear others telling.
An example: When I first moved to Missouri, there were two story lines that, apparently, I was incredibly attached to:
- I was from Chicago, not Missouri
- I was vegan
I would insert that shit into every conversation, however awkwardly, and I would repeat it like an amnesiac. Why? Well, the main reason is I felt that these were my badges of specialness proving my self-worth, so I was very invested in making sure everyone knew about them.
I was living in a new state, away from my support system, and my insecurities were cranked up to eleven. I needed to feel loved and appreciated and didn’t know how to ask for that more directly. So, I used my stories instead. Of course, the unfortunate thing is that people don’t tend to respond well to stories like these, especially on repeat–it’s annoying–so I was blocking the very thing I needed.
I’ve seen this habit in others, too, in stories that they tell again, and again…and again. Interestingly, even if they have, say, four or five stories on repeat, all of them share a common theme related to what I believe is a core need that feels unmet.
For example, I know someone who tells the same three stories almost every time I see them, and these stories demonstrate how psychic this person believes themselves to be and how they’re able to pick up on other people’s energy. And interestingly, having heard these stories at least two dozen times now, they are inspiring in me the exact opposite impression that this person is trying to generate. I see them as being rather checked out and imperceptive, just like people who were listening to my obnoxious “I’m so cool because I’m from Chicago and I’m vegan, so you should love me” story weren’t exactly filled with loving thoughts for me.
How do we ease up on broadcasting our needs on repeat until people tune us out? Here’s what’s working for me:
1. Go one-on-one with yourself and get super clear on what you need in this moment.
Expressing our needs to ourselves, first and foremost, seems to be the key. When I wasn’t aware that a desire for love and acceptance was driving my behavior, I did a whole bunch of weird shit to try to get this unacknowledged need met. When we look within and ask ourselves, “What do I really need right now?” and we take the time to listen, our body, our mind, and our spirit will give us a wealth of valuable information.
When we aren’t comfortable giving our needs air time, they’ll co-opt the mic and blast out their message, whether we like it or not.
2. Choose how you want to meet your needs.
Once we know what our needs are, we can figure out which ones we choose to meet for ourselves and which ones are suitable to communicate to other people in our life–and a single need might fall into both camps.
For example, if I need to feel acknowledged for something I’ve done, I can acknowledge my efforts for myself. I can celebrate by taking a long walk on my lunch break, I can write a journal entry praising my awesomeness, or I can simply look in the mirror and tell myself, “You rock because of x, y and z.” And I can also ask someone in my life to reflect this acknowledgement back to me. I might tell my husband what I’ve done and express my need for acknowledgement. Wouldn’t you know, when I’m clear and direct about what I want, I often get it!
Owning your needs opens up a world of choices. You no longer feel compelled to do certain things, driven by the slave driver of unexpressed needs determined to get met.
As a recovering needs-a-phobe, I know this can require a shift–sometimes a pretty major one–but this is one of the most powerful changes I have made in my life, hands down, and when I slip back into my old habits, I always make things much more difficult for myself.
Why makes things harder than they have to be?
