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I’m a total sucker for year-end retrospectives, and this month my inbox has been cheerfully full of them from fellow authors and entrepreneurs. I love hearing about lessons learned, epic wins (and epic flops), and sparkly plans for the future.

So, here’s my Big Lesson of 2023…

Little steps, consistently taken, can create surprisingly big change.

Throughout the year, three smaller lessons helped drive this Big One home. Let’s take a look…

Little Lesson #1: Reality is way more amazing than fantasy

Growing up with a caregiver who suffers from severe mental illness meant living in a dual reality. There was the “reality” inside the illness, where people and events were radically misperceived to maintain a rigid fantasy, and then there was the consensus reality that other people seemed to be living in.

As a kid, this was confusing and even terrifying at times, so I escaped into a fantasy world of my own a lot. While I have enormous gratitude for that world, because it saved my life until I was capable of developing better tools, it eventually became a self-made prison.

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This year, by taking tiny, consistent steps toward writing my romance novel, I experienced how I could use fantasy in my creative process without having to live in it, and, in fact, living in reality has been much more interesting and a lot less lonely than staying adrift in make-believe.

I won’t lie, though: recovering from fantasy feels exactly like my process of getting sober (i.e. not easy). At first, “ordinary reality” wasn’t nearly as shiny and exciting, and it just felt like a whole lotta work. Those little steps, consistently taken, often felt boring.

But in truth, this boredom was often masking fear.

I didn’t know how real-life people would respond, as opposed to my fantasy where everything was perfectly scripted, and that was scary!

I didn’t know whether my efforts would produce the outcome I was after or if maybe I was “wasting” my time, veering way “off track,” and that was scary!

I sometimes often didn’t know what to do next, and this not-knowing was really uncomfortable to my inner system, and–you guessed it–that was scary!

Basically, real life is scary at times, but living in a fantasy world ensures that it will never get less scary, because I’m not developing skills for dealing with it.

The less we challenge ourselves to do hard things, the more everything feels hard. But the more we explore beyond our comfort zone, the more we get comfortable doing all kinds of things!

Little Lesson #2: People pleasing can generate false urgency

Growing up, I was taught that my internal experience didn’t matter all that much. What mattered instead was what other people thought of me, how they judged my efforts, if they thought I was making good decisions, etc.

As a result, it was very difficult for me to connect with the process of doing a thing unless that process could be done in a performative way, because a thing was only worth doing if other people thought it was worth doing. Sitting quietly at my desk writing? No good unless I could quickly produce something brilliant (and “brilliant” as defined by somebody else, of course).

Writing my romance novel has turned that B.S. on its head.

The process was so unbelievably engaging–not always enjoyable, but engaging–that it taught me how to do a thing because I’m deriving value from it.

As a result, I’ve been building a tolerance for things taking longer than I initially hoped and not getting swept up in other people’s urgency or how someone else is doing it.

Carrying out lots and lots of revisions on my novel (waaaay more than I’ve ever needed for my non-fiction books) has taken a year, and now that I’ve found an editor I’m excited to work with, that’s going to take more time, because she can’t fit me in until April 2024.

In the past, while rushing to get external approval (because that was all that mattered), I would’ve forced the project through on a harried timeline instead of giving it the care it deserves. I also would’ve panicked over things like other romance writers who are releasing multiple books a year–shouldn’t I be doing that??

When our own experience trumps the opinions of the peanut gallery, we don’t have to rush along to somebody else’s drumbeat. We can trust our own rhythm and the rhythm of the project.

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Little Lesson #3: You often have to do the thing in order to figure out how to do the thing

It’s so very tempting to think we can just read enough books, take enough courses, listen to enough podcasts, etc. etc. etc. and then we’ll know exactly what to do and how to do it.

And to be sure, all of those things can help, but this little lesson taught me that they’re often most helpful when you’re already engaged in trying to do the thing.

For instance, did you know that writing a book blurb (the bit that goes on the back of the book, hinting at all of the wonderful things that await within its pages) is its own art form entirely? One that is very, very tricky to do? Like, surprisingly tricky, even after writing a 200k-word novel?

Me neither! That is, until I sat down to try and do it. Once I did, it quickly dawned on me, I have no idea what I’m doing, do I?

At that point, picking up a copy of Writing Romance Blurbs that Actually Sell Books was incredibly helpful, because I already had my delightfully shitty first attempts that I could then revise with the book’s guidance.

I could also have read the book in advance and that would have been fine, too, but my point here is that reading the book is no substitute for doing the thing, which is something that has apparently taken me 43 years to learn.

So, for me, waiting until I’m just about to start or I’m already ankle-deep in the process significantly ups the chances that I’ll glean something useful (and apply it) from what could otherwise become analysis paralysis and endless research.

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What am I going to do with these insights in 2024?

After much journaling and communing with my guides, here’s my game plan for the first quarter:

Given that instituting one hour of romance writing every morning, before I do anything else, was such a game changer for me in 2023, I’m going to do the same with other priorities, like marketing my work.

It’s tough to make a living as a writer, and it’s that much harder if your marketing, like mine, is super sporadic–go figure! ¯_(ツ)_/¯ But rather than making grand pronouncements that are tough to deliver on, I’m keeping it simple and setting aside one hour, thrice weekly for marketing. (And I’m awarding myself bonus points for using “thrice” in a sentence.)

Similarly, overwhelm is a sneaky adversary of mine, and I’ve learned that I can rapidly veer from bubbly excitement over all the things I want to do into despair-fueled procrastination over all the things I want to do.

So!

In 2024, I’ll be making a concerted effort to scale my plans down.

I have an inner part who loathes this idea quite intensely, because it believes I’ll get absolutely nothing done and will have to relinquish all of my hopes and dreams (parts tend to think in extremes…). In truth, what I’ve learned, time and time again, is that the less I set out to do, the more likely I am to accomplish more.

My one hour a day of romance writing frequently turns into 2 or 3 hours (or in some epic instances, 8), because once I start it’s hard to stop. But telling myself I’m going to finish the entire book in a month? That’s so overwhelming that I’ll find a way to avoid my manuscript for weeks. (Ask me how I know this.)

Finally, to continue with the anti-overwhelm agenda, when trying a new thing, I’m going to focus on just that thing, giving myself time and space to learn, experiment, and tweak.

For instance, with my marketing for the first quarter of 2024, instead of unsuccessfully trying to implement all 50 kajillion systems out there, I’m choosing to focus on the Author Ecosystem, which helps you identify which type of author you are so you can market in a way that feels doable and inspiring, not torturous. I’m really resonating with it. (If you’re curious, I’m a Forest ecosystem! What’re you?)

Choosing a thing and letting yourself go down the rabbit hole for awhile could be so fun, don’t you think? With endless stuff we could be doing, allowing ourselves to just do this thing can feel immensely freeing.

So, there you have it: my 2023 lessons in a nutshell!

Before you go, I have a bit of fun news 🤗

I finally have the cover art + design for my romance novel, and OMG, I haven’t wanted to make out with a cartoon this badly since Prince Eric in The Little Mermaid. The layout artist gave me a fun teaser, and I’ll be sharing the full monty early next year.

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Oh, and I have a title! The series is called Twin Flames, and book one is The Fool’s Bargain. Each installment is based on a major arcana of the tarot, and I’ve been having such a magical time working with my guides to develop (overly?) elaborate plotlines tied to each card.

Well, that’s it for 2023, my friend. I hope you and yours have a joyous holiday, and I can’t wait to see you in the new year!

Melissa 💖

Make 2024 your most magical year yet…

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