I had a triggering conversation with someone close to me recently; let’s call them Sam. Sam and I have a long history, and a history marked by a lot of dysfunction. There are times when I wonder if it might not be best to cut Sam off completely, and who knows? Maybe someday I will. But for now, Sam is in my life, and I’m learning how to take care of myself in that relationship.
After this infuriating conversation, I watched as one angry feeling after another arose in my body and one judgmental thought after another passed through my mind. When these had finally run their course, I noticed that I was judging Sam for the very thing that I was doing myself: for expecting the people around him to change rather than looking at what he was bringing to the situation and focusing on that.
I was judging Sam for judging people. Oh, the irony.
This awareness brought about a shift. A shift that asked me to honor my anger and acknowledge my judgements, and at the same time, to bring an attitude of curiosity to the situation. Why was I so angry? What in me was being triggered by our conversation? And finally, how can I allow this situation to expand and change me, raising, not dampening, my vibration?
This last question brought to mind a recent meditation experience in which I met two beings who showed me a tiny red book with a golden key on the cover. Inside was a diagram of an upside-down cone with the smaller end representing a more narrow, constricted life experience and way of looking at the world and the wider end representing a more expansive, encompassing paradigm.
There are more details than I can cover in this post, but the basic idea is this: Through life experiences (in both ordinary and non-ordinary reality), our cone expands, allowing us to see more of the world around us and within us, much like a widening flashlight beam.
The cone also has a central channel, and in order to remain grounded and balanced as your cone expands, it is important to maintain your connection to and the health of this central channel. If you’ve met someone who has a very expansive view but they seem incredibly spacey and often ineffectual in the physical realm (e.g. trouble holding down a job, taking care of their body, etc.), I see this as someone with an expanded cone and a weak connection to their central channel.
So, what does this have to do with me being pissed off at Sam? Well, expanding your cone isn’t something you can force. Expansion comes by allowing life to change you, by evolving in response to life instead of routinely forcing life to bend to your will. Expansion is a process of active surrender.
When I heard this, my initial reaction was one of discomfort. But what about magick, I asked? I mean, aren’t we causing change in accordance with our will? Well, yes, but there’s a difference between “causing” and “forcing.”
Now, I do believe that we can force some things to happen with magick, but I also believe that this is the kind of magick that tends to come with unpleasant consequences. While there are as many flavors of magick as there are magickal practitioners and many people take a different stance, I aim to partner with the flow of the Universe rather than trying to force the flow to do what I want.
The way I see it, when something is out of whack in my life and I want to use magick to “fix” it, I’m usually dealing with an area in which I’ve stepped out of alignment with the Universal flow. So for me, it isn’t a matter of changing the flow itself, it’s a matter of hopping back into it where things naturally unfold according to my Highest Good. It’s a matter of changing myself.
Okay, so back to Sam and this weird cone of expansion.
While my focus was on, “Why is Sam doing this thing that’s pissing me off and why won’t he stop?” I was stuck in a very narrow part of the cone, a part that only allowed me to see how Sam’s actions were affecting me in an unpleasant way. I couldn’t see the more expanded picture that went beyond our egos butting heads. And while I won’t pretend to see all of the situation even now, shifting my focus from “what’s Sam’s deal?” to “what’s my deal?” shone a light in some dark corners.
I was able to see that what I was really feeling was fear, and anger stemming from that fear. For most of my life, I have been afraid of Sam’s anger, and as a child I tried to mold and change myself to avoid triggering Sam’s anger. Now, as an adult, Sam no longer has power over me…unless I give it to him. And this is what was truly causing my pain: that I was handing my power over to Sam and not taking care of myself in our interactions.
This wasn’t a matter of Sam doing anything differently (although Goddess knows I wouldn’t complain if that did happen); this was a matter of me taking better care of myself.
I can let fear of Sam’s anger dictate what I do…or I can let self-love inform my actions.
I can let Sam’s view dictate what I see in the world…or I can let love be my tour guide.
I can hand my power over to Sam…or I can rest securely in my power, shining light in dark corners.
